Dear 2020

2020 I’ve been waiting for you for 3 years. I’ve been dreaming of this year from the moment I received an email confirming my acceptance into Aurora University’s MSW program. Actually, I’ve been waiting for this year since I graduated from high school in 2010. I remember my graduation ceremony at DeVry University. As we were getting ready to walk I noticed other grads wearing Master’s degree regalia and I remember thinking “I like their cap and gowns I’m getting my Master’s degree so I can wear that someday”. It seems silly but if I’m being honest that is the main reason why I always said I wanted a master’s degree. I remember telling my sisters that I needed to get my master’s degree or God wouldn’t let me go to heaven. I also needed to finish before I was 30 because that’s just how it’s supposed to be. I doubt God cares if I have a master’s degree and don’t even get me started on how I feel about being 30 next year. But that was my way of motivating myself weird as it may be. My graduation ceremony was supposed to be May 3, 2020. Then a pandemic happened. A graduation ceremony was no longer an option. To say I was heart broken would be an understatement. That day my family still tried to celebrate and make it special and even though I appreciate their efforts I couldn’t find myself to be completely excited. The days leading up to May 3rd and even the days after I found it hard to believe that I had finally graduated. I thought I needed that big graduation ceremony because honestly the past three years haven’t been a walk in the park. As a matter of fact the past ten years, since graduating high school have been a roller coaster ride. I’ve had moments of grief and sadness. I’ve lost people I loved more than anything Tio Jose, Grandma, Ivy. I’ve been through major depression and anxiety. But I’ve also had moments of laughter, joy, and true happiness. Throughout the years I’ve slowly been finding my way home. I came out to my family and most importantly to myself. I’ve traveled to places I’ve never been like Punta Cana and Cancun. I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree. I gained a brother that I never knew I wanted but I definitely needed. I started a new job. Earned a promotion. Got out of my comfort zone. Managed a year of full time school, internship, and work with very little sleep but I made it out alive. I managed to keep my grades at A’s and only 2 B’s throughout the Master’s program even though sometimes laziness would get the best of me. Throughout the past ten years I’ve had this voice in my head. The voice that tries to take my happy moments by telling me that they won’t last or I don’t deserve them. The voice that makes my sad moments worse by reminding me that I once had a chance to give up and I should have but even at that I failed. This graduation ceremony was my way of telling that voice to kiss my butt and fuck off. Because I proved it wrong. I did it. It might have taken me ten years but I did it. There were moments especially this last year were I felt like giving up. That voice desperately wanted me to give up. But if there is one thing that my experiences have taught me It’s that I’m a fighter. I am not perfect. I am not like other people nor do I want to be. I’ve realized that I couldn’t get where I am today if I continued pretending or wanting to be someone I am not. Only I could get here. Only me, in this body with these experiences, memories, personality, with this family. The voice tried to shut me down on May 3rd. It told me “grades are not even posted yet. What if at the last minute one of your professors decides to fail you”. Well guess what voice you can’t keep me down anymore. I  GRADUATED. CEREMONY OR NOT I HAVE A MASTER’S DEGREE. I guess I do have to thank you though because you annoyed me enough to push me further into my goal. I won’t let you take all the credit though. There are people far more important that helped me get here. People like my parents who have always supported me and have celebrated every accomplishment and have helped me get up every time I fall. My sisters who are accept me for who I am and care for me even though I am old enough to take care of myself. And despite how empty their wallets are after getting me everything I want. Although if we are being honest it’s not my fault I’m the youngest. And for helping with homework when I didn’t feel like doing it. Also, Jacob who has been a great brother and friend throughout the years. No matter what happens I know that we can always laugh about stupid things. My godmother for being at every single graduation. Tio Jose for not giving up on me when I gave up on myself. Grandma for not having any idea what I was studying but still being proud of me and supportive. Finally, to everyone that participated in the graduation video my sisters made for me. Thank you. A virtual graduation is set for August 3, 2020 but I’ve realized that I don’t need a ceremony. I’ve celebrated with the people I love. I’ve finally accepted that yes I did in fact graduate. Now I am simply enjoying the moment. I am not rushing into what’s next because to be honest I need a vacation. I need a break from books from studying and mostly from worrying about tomorrow. I am looking forward to the day that we can all safely get together and celebrate. I’m also looking forward to one day finally going to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Mostly I’m looking forward to going out there and being a social worker. One day it will be time to pay it forward and give to someone else what another social worker once gave me: Hope. Hope for a future were that voice is no longer overpowering us and we are free to be who we want to be not who we are expected to be.